As it is said, “this panda has a sad” why. Because I did the one thing that everyone does on occasion and I guess it was my turn this evening – I thought about the ‘what ifs’…
what if – Im doing the right thing for Logan,
what if – I am doing enough for my few friends, or that I should have done more, should I have done more to influence those who’ve made wrong choices, show them real love hurts but it doesn’t kill, or doesn’t make you a bad person, and its okey to let go
. Even if you are the one getting hurt. This last year, has hurt more than it should. it was better than few years passed, first full year in my home, new job where I am appreciated, paid like I should be or at least fairly so I can survive, and a best friend who made me smile every single day – whether that person new or not, and even if they made me cry – I couldn’t stay mad at them very long, cause that is love. True, genuine, and pure love for them.
But in my life – I am still alone, I told a friend once being and independently strong woman – is the pit fall of me and ties me to be alone, maybe forever which is crushing, and all in all a fear that makes many women who could be stronger weak and feel the need to not try.
Is it the love of another to admire, believe, and still feel good enough to hold you up as their own, so hard to ask. It can feel that way, it can feel lonely, scary, and yes it does make you feel as if you are less of a woman for not taking the low road.
Pretending to be helpless – or making yourself even believe you are helpless, out of control or just not strong enough to make it without “your whomever” but no matter what there is still a pain there.
And believe me from experience – the pain of being nothing to someone is far worse than being nothing to no one.
And I am not afraid. Its been 4 years since my divorce was final, its been longer than that since I felt like I had to be something I wasn’t.
I am a good mother, I am a good lover, and I am still a good wife, even if its to myself, every one – and every woman should always know that that is ok.
There is no shame in being alone, and yes dreams at some point do defiantly come true and there are real men out there.
But there is no reason to sell yourself short, make your children feel your sadness or even put yourself through that kind of pain – cause Life will provide, friends and family that will help you through it all.
Though – I truly feel as no one may ever want to proclaim me, I am grateful that my friends do love me, and that proclaim me as thiers and their love carries me through more than I ever thought I could handle alone. Especially my best of them, you know who you are, and even if no one else ever loves me – I know you always will as much as you can, no matter how much that is it will always be enough for me.
My heart is heavy now, as I sit and watch so many that I love make really awful mistakes, and do things they don’t have to do alone, I just hope they know that no matter what – I am always here.
Overwhelmed with sadness that I’ve probably been holding back too long, I wish things were different – but life’s not easy and never will be.
Im sure this seem rambly and maybe incoherent or not really making much sense but I hope that those who do read it, know – and understand what is needed, even the strong feel that pain but we make it, and you will too. I love you, to my friends and family.
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