Panda Bunny's blog

stuff i cooks

http://groups.google.com/group/bunny-surprise-recipes

i found that this was always something I loved
something i liked and much more something i enjoy very much and makes me happy... and i need that

enjoy

Tired as always

Been too long since I tried to write or get things down where they should be.
seems now-a-days I am being kicked around more than before.
I miss you. I say to myself daily. You have gone to far from yourself and cant be seen.
I dont know where you will be in the next hour will I see myself or will I be as I am
unable to see my own face.
Looking for a reason - looking for some hope..

my self
where are you...
my heart has been lost too long...

Momma Bear had a good weekend

Starting off with a nice evening with my little one, enjoying a movie and some snack-age watched the Poseidon Adventure, then on Saturday woke up to a nice "sleeping in" of 7:30 am to make breakfast for little one, and then started cleaning. Kinda hit it a little bit at a time. Got a good bit started. He got to play with neighbor boy for a little while. Found a big big spider in the front window - scared the begezus out of me! I dont do spiders if they arent fake :P ... any way so after that went to see grandma bear at her house, to grandma's we go! then I mowed her lawn while her and little bear pulled weeds from the flower bed and then had dinner.. It was good to see him eat such a big plate of food and eat it all. I was always kinda watching what he eats. Then back home after a long day of working. Went to bed pretty early then on Sunday another morning woken up by the wee one asking for breakfast... up and at em... we had oatmeal. which is good trying to mix things up a bit for him not just eggs and cheese all the time. then on in the morning started to clean again as some of my other baby bears were coming over later in the afternoon. Got the reading room setup for baby bear - of course he loved it. And then on in the day made some sugar cookies with happy zombie faces on them :) green and red sprinkles too... then fixed the roof as little man rode his bike out back then started in on dinner. Then my little bears started to arrive... with the new mommy bear and her baby bear over my little bear was excited - he loves her very much... made dinner watched the last unicorn, then after some facebooking, relaxing, and just hanging out,

Off to bed to start a new work week lots of changes going on and will be happening this week - i just hope that my little one will be able to handle it. Will try and see what is going to happen come today... hope he has a good day...

no sleep for momma bear

being big panda momma bear last night. I got to watch the littlest of our baby bear clan. she was soo precious while her mommy bear went out. It was very precious and sweet. I felt kinda weird missing the days when my baby bear was so little and could just sleep on my chest for hours. But she was soo alive at 1am... whoo... it was crazy.. just so active and 'hey hey whats going on' it was soo cute...

Im glad I got to keep her even if it meant I didnt get sleep but her mommy bear is okay and everything worked out. It will be along day for me but it will be worth it. My baby bear will be out today with his dad. So I will be able to get rest when I get home (willing nothing else happens today) but I will have to work late today. so this no sleep all night then to work at 4am then off at 5pm -yea its gonna be rough...

Got my baby bear his first library card yesterday.
it was very nice to take him through the process, and also momma bear got her some self help books as well.

It doesnt hurt to ask for help but you have to do most of the work yourself. .. so that is what im doing ..

Momma Bear is really gonna have a break down now...

sigh.... so after all the fun drama and crap for today... Baby bear got in school supension? WTF? )(#@)Y$) yea!

Ugh... as if all the other things in my life are just going to fall apart... now this... I dont know what to do... dont know where to go or how to turn... Im just tired....

Momma Bear needs to vent

On my morning commute if anyone ever rode with me... well you would just out right think Im crazy, I spend most of my time 'saying' and actually saying out loud all the things I should never say out loud to any one at all. All my pent up frustrations, anger, and upset feelings that I cant begin to describe. Which means most mornings on the way to work, I cry all the way there. I spend a good bit of time fussing and fighting with myself and getting angry with the way I feel and feel as if its too much at times, most of the time I feel as if I dont get it out then I will say something to someone that I will hurt. Not that I wont mean it or that it wont be true, but they come out all wrong. Its like vomiting stupid and retarded emotional responses that tend to do more harm than good.

Maybe its my own stupid feelings, or mind set, maybe Im crazy, or just maybe Im meant to be alone and the way I stay that way is I just open my stupid mouth... Could be self pity that slowly self destructs my own self worth... but what ever it is ... its still painful. it still hurts, and I just want it to stop.. I just dont know were to go from here....

Momma bear is just tired.

Momma Bear has reached her limit

Its been a while now, too long really, I seem to realize that there are lots of things I feel Im doing for myself or 'my so called family' and well they just seem to keep hurting me. Every day, something else. More and more, no matter how much goes right or happy for everyone else... Im excluded, left out, or just plain ignored. Seems over and over I find myself being tortured with the little things that I hold so dear and mean nothing to any one else. Which is maybe why I hold on to them. Seems so much like no matter what I do there is no end to this unending over thinking or over hurt I feel. To see everyone else soo happy I get sick at myself for being so jealous, upset or even just mad that its seems so unfair...

But that is life. That is what happens, and this happened to be the card I drew... sucks for me I just hate my baby bear seems to hate me too... or just not like me... he is going through a phase that the daddy is better than the mommy, Im over worked, never cared for, and give all that I have yet I still keep on going...

It wont matter to any one tomorrow. They wont care that Im in need of something today. Unless it affects them, Im pointless. Life it self is all to blame.. I keep going for my little one. Even if he hates me - He will know how much I cared. Even if in five years he runs away - I will keep trying - Cause that is what I will do until the very end. And Yes i will survive and yes I will move along in life but for once I would just like to be happy. Just once... or not really be happy but content that someone give a care...

mommy bear has reached her care limit and is scared... that no one will ever care...

Momma Bear is kinda down today

No matter what I do I seem to want to go grizzly cause everything seems so difficult. and It seems no matter what I do the ultimate thing is I have to do everything alone...

sigh... Im really tired, I really shouldnt talk or blog or what ever... Im just tired of being alone and feeling left out of everything... I just want a family that loves me... or one that wont exclude me from everything, or anything within reason... but until then its just me and baby bear... making one day at a time...

Random Burst of doing busy work!

Work Momma Bear work! - Seems to be all that I do lately, after a full (no lunch) day again at work - I have managed to rack up a total of 6 extra hours of over time without taking a lunch because they need me to... good thing about my line of work... well I can do that and still eat or have a small enough break its not going to hurt to miss - or I can work and eat at the same time. Got off from there and got news that my one of the baby bears became a mommy bear.. I was soo happy for her, and to hear that she took it with such a bravery. I know she will be fine. Im really happy for her. Still nostalgic about my own life... well cause that will right now is blah but the wonderful thing is Im trying to make it better... as I waiting for the callings or something little bear and I went to the hardware store... picking out paint and looking for some type of faucet thingy deal thing... yea! one of those... well because of such a good day .. he got to watch a movie .. while I of all things started painting the Dining room... i was able to muster out two coats of the base then tomorrow I can pull the tape then paint the trims. I will need to do some adjusting to my design but it will work.. Im happy with it... kinda was also inspired with the baby bear being born and all ... special occaisons tend to make me think about good lyrics... but being on the latter while trying to write stuff doesnt work NOR did i try it... Sigh... Tomorrow is another day of working harder to get more things accomplished and completed. Must finish the dining room, bathroom, and roof hopefully it will all be fine... OHPE yea .. have to do a pet store stop and also a flower for baby stop....

Well momma bear is tired... hoping for a better tomorrow personally but then still over happy for those that I love getting the things they want out of life! I hope that they all get that...

Momma Bear's Night off

Well little boo bear was out at his dad's yesterday. Which has me worried about how he will be acting at school. This will truly be a test of everything going on. Two days of really good conduct and if he goes back today and reverts, well then I have my answer.

Tough and harder it will be but really the choice I will have to make will be clear. Other things in life are still a little messed up. Roof is still leaking, faucets need to still be replaced, and I have lots of other chores that need to be done - I just hope I can manage them all.

It was good to have a night off to rest. Got a little bit of sleep. One of my baby bears is becoming a mommy bear and its soo exciting.. Im very happy for her.

I kinda wish I could be there with her but then I remembered when I had my baby bear... I didnt want anyone there really. :)

But that is okay cause then maybe by the weekend we will have a beautiful new bear :D